On Sat­ur­day, I went to the the­ater with my girl­friend and we watched 10,000 B.C. With almost $36 mil­lion 10,000 B.C. didn’t do too bad at the box office on the open­ing week­end. Of course, the movie has been hyped since the first trailer came out. I didn’t have any expec­ta­tions and still I was very dis­ap­pointed. I promise that this isn’t a small feat – that’s usu­ally not eas­ily achieved. Now, let’s get on with this sorry excuse of a movie. Be warned, there are mas­sive spoil­ers ahead!

The trailer promised a lot of action and quite a spec­ta­cle. Unfor­tu­nately, the movie com­pletely failed to deliver. One of the first things I noticed was the unnat­ural white teeth of the peo­ple sup­posed to live a whop­ping 10,000 years before Christ. Quite obvi­ously the old mys­tic did a good job in tak­ing care for her peo­ple, includ­ing den­tal ser­vice on a highly sophis­ti­cated level. Of course, the old woman also hap­pens to have some abil­i­ties like pre­cog­ni­tion, farsee­ing and stuff like that. That was to be expected.

Let’s get to our hero, D’Leh, who was quite a sucker. When his betrothed Evo­let is cap­tured and enslaved by peo­ple way more advanced than our pseudo-Neanderthalers, he has to fol­low the “demons” to get her back. (Did you notice that I wrote “way more advanced”? D’Leh’s peo­ple are depicted as hunters liv­ing in the Stone Age, hunt­ing mam­moths. The slavers look like they came rid­den right out of medieval times, hav­ing tamed horses and steel(!) weapons.) Our hero and three of his peo­ple start out to retrieve Evo­let and the other cap­tives. They fol­low the slavers over the moun­tains through a short strip of des­o­late steppes into some kind of tropic jun­gle, all within a few weeks. OK, time to for­get about plau­si­bil­ity here.

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