From the very beginning I noticed how much I’ve changed and how much I resent some customs still popular with the people. But there has been a … shift in why people are clinging to their customs. The old ones truly believe in what they do and there’s no denying them. The younger people still follow the rules but only because it is expected. Some do not even believe in the things they do and say and others pick one or two suitable things out of the whole crop and believe in them while disregarding the rest. As you can imagine, I did stick out because I stood apart. I had the guts to break with some customs, thanks to my living apart from the people in my village.

For a second I thought about pleasing them, pretending to be one of them. I dismissed the thought shortly after because by doing so I’d forever be the grandson of her. The son of my parents. I’d always have been measured by their standards and they wouldn’t have seen me as the person I am but rather the person I should be in their eyes. Standing up to them by publicly demonstrating that I honor their customs but in the same time proving that they aren’t mine meant much to me. According to the subtle change in the people talking to me, I did succeed. I’m sad that it took such an occasion to make them understand.

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He left a considerable amount of money as well as a nice flat. And that’s exactly where the whole story became damn ugly. One of his daughters (there are three daughters and one son – my mother being the eldest of all the siblings) who happens to be my godfather and her husband became greedy and it ended in much anger on all sides. I won’t go into details but suffice to say that it’s been a hard time for my family (on my mother’s side only). However, from that moment on nothing has ever been the same.

I don’t know my aunts any more. They have changed way too much. Or is it me? I don’t know but I don’t believe the latter. Of course I’ve changed. Change is the only constant in life. I don’t seem to know them at all. My uncle’s summoning this weekend only proved that I can still talk to them but most are strangers to me. Actually, I’m glad I moved from home to a city far away. They’re totally immersed in their small country life and they don’t care about other things all that much. Sure, they talk about politics and other matters of public interest but in the end nothing matters greatly to them. They follow the customs as usual and they pretend to be good people by doing what the public expects them to do.

I don’t fit into such a life. I question and criticize, I’m skeptic and I don’t take everything as it is. I’m not satisfied with an existence like that. Life has so many things in store for everyone of us I just can’t be satisfied living in a small village pretending there’s no other place I’d like to know. I won’t give up my dreams for nothing. I’ve got huge expectations I’d like to live up to. I think, that attitude has widened the gap that has always existed between me and the rest of them.

I’m alone in this world. I don’t pretend. I accept things they don’t. They know most things I do but they prefer to deceive themselves. Every creature on this earth dies alone. I know because I’ve seen it happen many times and I almost experienced it myself. I’d rather face reality than make a farce of it for the sake of feeling better this way. It doesn’t hurt anymore like it did a decade ago. I’ve grown used to this solitude. Ah, enough of that. Every muscle hurts and I don’t wanna write anymore.

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